i love creating, i hate posting

i hesitate to write this post because i don’t fully have the thoughts worked out yet, but i want to write it to work through it. there’s this strange disconnect that i feel lately. i love making things, creating songs, creating videos. i even love creating marketing ideas, figuring out the world that things will exist in. these things are all a joy to me. it’s what fuels me. every day i feel inspired to finish a thing or start a thing. the processes are the positives.

the negatives come from once i have to post it. there’s a dread, a sense of turmoil that broods deep within me before i click send on something. i’ve mostly gotten past caring how many likes/shares/views something gets (for the most part). i’m realistic that not every video can have an equal amount. i manage my expectations that everything can’t be a high, and that in order to feel the highs, we also have to feel the lows. i get that.

i think one of the problems is that we live in this world where making one form of content is no longer enough. “okay great, we made a video, but did you make the 10 short form pieces to promote the main piece?” the ones that are chopped up horribly, framed vertically (ruining the vibe)? btw, one of these short form pieces might get the majority of the views! the bastardized version of the thing you made becomes the most seen. a compromise that you begrudgingly made to promote your main piece and now it’s become the main piece. however… what are you going to do… work hard on this big thing and not promote it? it feels conflicting.

i think ultimately what i’m getting at, is the current internet feels very fractured and algorithmic, and we are all trying to do 1 million things to get the machine to show the things we care about. but in order to do that, we have to constantly compromise and compromise and fucking compromise just to get it out there. 

maybe it’s egotistical of me to think my stuff deserves eyes at all, maybe that’s the problem? maybe it’s vain to think my music is worthy of more listens than it gets? maybe i’m being ungrateful as someone with some success to think that i continue to deserve it? or am i just a victim to the bullshit internet game and don’t actually need to participate in it and think i do?

the problem with the “new internet” is it’s prioritized instantaneous reception, and if something isn’t received well off the bat, we consider it a failure. when in fact, all the best art is a slow burn over time.

i just want to embrace the slow burn.

-felix